


There Was A Girl I Knew

by sapphicqueens



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pain, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 14:36:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4141482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicqueens/pseuds/sapphicqueens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's this letter she's supposed to read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Was A Girl I Knew

**Author's Note:**

> Read at risk. I warn you, this is dark and angsty. I'm sorry. This is based on speculations and fears in the fandom.

Cosima stepped into that elevator. The elevator that would carry her up the DYAD structure toward Delphine. That elevator that, somehow, held many memories. You wouldn’t pay much attention to an elevator, it was just a machine that helped people get up and down buildings, between floors of offices and labs.

Although, as Cosima pressed the button to the top floor, she couldn’t help but feel every emotion that had been felt in that tiny space, on so many occasions. Fear and anxiety were the ones most present but those were also current. The ones that ached the most were those who echoed faintly in the background; happiness, love, excitement, passion. Four strong emotions Cosima had a habit of acting upon. She remembered when she would stand in this elevator with her and they would joke with each other, tease one another playfully about certain colleagues or trivial events of the day. The words flowed between them with such ease and Cosima had often been overwhelmed by those four feelings. Words of love and adoration were often expressed at those times and kisses were stolen.

As the cube came to a stop and the doors were about to open, Cosima was flooded with a sense of panic and she found herself frozen on the spot. If she stepped out, there was no denying what she would feel. How she would hurt as soon as she would look into those big eyes that had once been so gentle and full of curiosity and love, who were now ice cold and expressionless. Cosima had felt the stab in her heart every time, and every time she swore she would stop hurting and move on. And every time the stab got deeper and her heart bled.

Seeming as she was not alone in the elevator, a guard pushed her out and almost dragged her with him to that goddamn office. Cosima did not really know why she had been called to this little meeting, she had tried not to go, to ignore the _invitation_. However, the pull to that woman was stronger than she wanted to admit. Now she walked outside her office, barely glancing in through the glass walls.

Cosima knew exactly what she would experience when she stepped into that office that was captor of many more memories. But her heart throbbed stuck in her throat, her finger tips trembled with longing and her lips tingled with the desire of being kissed. She knew the need would not be clenched because it was over.

She was reminded of that single fact when she stopped in the room, facing the desk that was now empty except for a letter. And quiet tears painted her face.

_No._

The brunette dug her nails into her palm. Every liter of blood in her body seemed to evaporate and be replaced with lead.

_Blonde hair flaring like a sun feather. A sharp loud noise pierced deafening silence. The smell of pretentious french cigarettes and expensive perfume was suddenly forcing her down on the ground._

“NO!” The word that was supposed to be a scream only came out as a strangled whisper, ripping up her already sore throat.

_A warm wetness seeped through her clothes. She wriggled her hand free from beneath a body and her fingers were coated in red. A passionate color that sent a tremor of unease through her, telling her she should panic._

“Miss Niehaus?” a guard pulled her from her trance.

There was this ache in her chest, an ache that had numbed the young scientist for five days and eight hours. An ache that clouded her mind and left her to live in a daze. Not even her nails drawing blood from her palms or the dry urge to cough could replace the aching numbness and it was with a blank gaze that she turned around to face the man.

“Dr Cormier left that letter for you. You should retrieve it and leave the premises, your therapist informed us it wasn’t healthy for you to be here.”

Cosima nodded slowly without understanding the words. Her eyes averted back to the envelope and she caught her name written on it with a beautiful loopy handwriting.

_She even writes with a french accent._

_Wrote. She wrote with a french accent._    

Before she could force her feet to move, the guard was already holding the letter in front of Cosima and shoved it into her hands with a sigh of annoyance.

“It’s time to go, Niehaus. Miss Manning is waiting for you.”

Another pull on her arm and she was already walking back to the elevator.

“Another guard will give you your belongings from your lab before you leave,” the guard’s voice did not really reach through the cotton her head was suddenly filled with. A loud screeching sound bounced between her eardrums and every breath seemed to crawl back down her trachea.

When she was back in the safety of the elevator, her mind became too clear, too focused. Her brain was not drenched in melancholy, but healthy as ever and her fingers ripped the envelope open.

“ _I didn’t want to fall for you... I wasn’t supposed too, but I have._ ”

The letter was folded, would stay folded until her brain would force her to open it.

“It was so easy I could’ve just slipped away. Then I had this vision of you. I came back for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same to you.”

“ _Dear Cosima,_ ”

She let her fingers follow the cursive writing, imagining how a steady hand would ink the white paper with desperate care, how green eyes with specks of hazel would trace the movements as words were spilled.

“ _if you’re reading this, it means I am no longer with you–_ ”

And all the memories returned again.


End file.
